I’m becoming more and more convinced that the type of loneliness that I feel the most often isn’t “needing” anyone. It’s needing to give something I have.
It’s a frustration, not a lack. It’s having something to share, but feeling unable to say it. It’s having love to give, but feeling it wouldn’t be accepted.
All the destructive behaviors that I engage in instead of action aren’t “filling a void” – there is no void. The behaviors serve as distractions, to mute the fire in me that seeks expression and connection.
Distraction is me reenacting the blockage I perceive – I believe people would shut me out, so I shut myself out. I recreate my perceived separation.
Because it takes a lot of bravery to try. Having been shut out before, and feeling clueless.
And sometimes we’re exiled for good reasons. And we change, and return. And sometimes the change is something subtle.
There are other kinds of lonely. The desolate rejection, the exhaustion, the crying yourself to sleep – or being too numb to cry, just feeling desperate, wretched, and small. But we still wake up every day. There is connection, whenever we show up.