BetterHelp

My online therapist

talked at me about Ram Dass

for forty minutes and said

it might have been better

if I had died-

That’s just how it is;

You have to be Open.

She continued

to an image on her screen,

When people die,

It’s the world unfolding, The Way It Is

I hear you ma’am, but the coldness of that statement

and you’re my therapist

If I could trust anyone

to try to see the worth

of my not-dead life

I mean

Shit

And I nodded and listened

for our time

And I get how it can be hard

to empathize

behind a lit up square, and you don’t know me. But she could hear me

just like I could hear her

going on and on

about being open

and Ram Dass

many things which I agree, but again it’s like

I’m holding my soul back in her check

space for everything she needs to say

before I may

shut my screen

and recoup

I thought I had overcome that

But I’m seeking her help, I’m polite

And I’m noticing her scowl at my few words

Maybe she perceives my tentativity

as a scowl

When she finally allowed a break in the monologue for a question

(maybe this is my responding monologue)

her answer was,

You’ll Have To Find Out On Your Own I’m

Seventy One Living in California and

My friends stopped talking to me during covid.

(this is when she found Ram Dass)

Oh it’s so hard, me too-

My friend called me on the phone, she had

a new cat

My online therapist was so upset about the cat being declawed

And she didn’t speak up to her friend about it, but

she was SO upset

(Oh I’m sorry thats terrible, they take off the whole-?)

that she never spoke again

to this friend of thirty years

She gave a shrug and rolled her eyes as she continued,

she went on walks to feel connected 

Oh hey me too, do you feel like-

She said Nature is All we Need

I didn’t ask her about our need for each other

now it seemed she couldn’t take the question

I could’ve tried, but I can read the room

Unpleasant knowledge batted away

Because It’s Just This Moment, it’s just now

She said, All that exists is you and I speaking, Not your concerns

As she tells me hers

the question before was, how both occur together

planning for the future while you are Here

and making these decisions – is it instinct? and how much, how so, does your mind weigh in?

She was uncomfortable at the idea of planning

and she sneered, You have needs

That was it

Like they were a figment of my mind

which they are

Who except you cares about a thing in your head?

Who except you cares about your survival, maybe it would have been better if you would have died

Ha!

I have to laugh

I have believed it before, and dying isn’t fun

and the parts that pulled through

are now all that I am

She went on, you can talk to me any time But I might not be here,

maybe I’m not here right now, and just in your imagination

grinning, like she just invented solipsism

and thought it was amusing

but ok, dude, oh my gosh

besides seeking someone I could maybe trust

I came here to make better thoughts,
not new psychotic doubts

I came here hoping you would call me out
on the psychotic doubts

She said she does online therapy

for fun

but she is making money and

I am paying money I don’t have and

I think I learned more about her –

And I guess everything’s ok (and that’s what she’d encourage me to say)-

but I wasn’t expecting to be

giving the therapy today.

I can listen, I wait

and write it out

and move on

I wouldn’t Charge anyone

to try to understand

maybe that’s why I sought therapy in the first place but

what the fuck

writing helped a little

but just writing doesn’t help like

talking to people who get it

you know?


Anyway

that is what being open to her got me.

I shut the screen in silence and went on.

but last night I was open and

a tall man visiting from England brought me in and kissed me

his name was out of a prophesy

but he wasn’t for me

Let me share with you a couple lines

that do not work

for future reference

Even a deep voice whispered in your ear

“I want your p**sy” is immediate barf

“It’s now or never” tells me enough to say, No thanks

But that session was more informative

than the one with my online therapist

I was hoping meeting her would help with clarity

not drive me to expose my funny thoughts out here

but we didn’t get to that

And this is the introductory poem

preceding the one that may go,

oh my, this is all I learned from her

Because it’s true, you will learn

from whoever and whatever you put your attention toward

(is this what I want to put my attention towards?)

and it just so happens

that you pre-pay

for a whole month.


2 responses to “BetterHelp”

  1. I think a better class of therapist is needed. I’ve had horrible experiences with some myself. One doubted everything I said, and wondered if I was hallucinating. This poem (though written using a droll sense of humour) made my heart ache a little.

    Liked by 1 person

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