4/19/22
She came out slowly like a ghost made of sunshine
She was my body, pale and muddy knees, as I bowed to God
She’ll grin and make strangers friends
That woman is alive and loving
Caring and brave
feeling everything
Song and dance natural, a prayer
adapting, aware
I got to see her, she’s like a child growing up
moving in nature’s time
She can’t survive here.
in this dark house she is lost
in this small gray town she is small and gray
bring me above the death of this place
How can I shut her down, I said I loved her?
How can I tune down
just to get through the day? Without her it’s a waste
Why can’t she live here, I thought she was strong?
One sin, and she’s weeping on the ground
I know what it’s like not to take it
to be wild
loving sardines and carrots on bread
in my car on the side of the road
giving my hat to the woman at the park
greeting every person on the trail
playing music for the first time
to a fisherman who asked and
in harmony with the creatures by the creek
listening to the wind
shielding from sand blowing off the cliffs
climbing to the top
up to the caution tape
sitting up against it, overlooking the world and
encouraging the climbers on my way down
like they encouraged me on the way up
Ok so why at home,
would I spiral until I am sick?
Brave girl finding a place to stay at night,
why would I be afraid to even leave the house?
But now I understand a little better
each side, if that helps
I remember
being unclouded
Here I conjure it as fast as possible
As if I can actually escape reality
As if that will get me into a rest so deep
and not just bring anxiety
Oh I still need that rest, we all do,
but I’ll get it after a full day
of hiking and laughing and sunshine and rain
my lungs will breathe well, and I’ll sleep so good
so warm I can snuggle and smile to sleep
Here’s something I’m learning that is perhaps obvious to you:
You have to try to do the best thing for yourself
the biggest, realest dream you have, deep down what you want, the crazy thing, blah blah…
Because the tendency is to feel unworthy, and to settle
to choose the option that feels a little more comfortable, a little more “the old you”
“I’m not this valuable, I don’t need this,” you pretend you are being humble
HA!
But you have to try to do your best!
that all makes sense
and I still don’t know where to go
but even living day by day
is better than this suffering
it seems gratitude is the quickest cure.
So I’ll be grateful for any freaking pill
that helps me see above the death
Surely I am grateful for a million things.
And this woman I want to be
is already here, under the burdens
and God gave me another chance at life
again and again
Happy Easter
to the two doves outside my window
and the bunny and
the two robins and
the crows
Ashes and Dew 